Thursday, August 21, 2008

Magnet for the WRONG men

For purposes of this post, let's say that I have this friend, and her name is Mauren (*names have been changed to protect the ACTUAL person involved). Mauren is super-cool. Attractive...pretty even, good hygiene, pee-your-pants funny, kind, loving, giving, an awesome cook, intelligent...you get the picture. Now Mauren is perpetually single and has been for a some time now. She isn't looking for someone on the bar scene (can you spell C-H-E-E-S-Y?) or at the Hard Rock (yucky gross guys) or at work (married or gay guys). Mauren loves being single, too, although she is not counting out the day that 'the one' comes around. She is just enjoying every day to it's fullest and living life.
In the meantime, however, she is being bombarded (keep in mind she has been single for a few years now) by the weirdest, off-the-wall guys. For instance (and this is the TRUE part)...the guy who works in her local Publix bakery. The biggest problem with this (aside from having no attraction to this guy whatsoever) is that Mauren has to see this guy EVERY SINGLE TIME she goes to the bakery for her weekly black & white cookies and pizza dough (which rocks by the way) and it gets very awkward. She always says hello to be nice. He finds her in the produce dept (remember, he works in the BAKERY) to tell her that the cookies are still on the truck or at the end of aisle 4 to say that the cookies will be ready at 2pm. Seriously? She will check back at the end of the shopping trip, she doesn't need up-to-the-minute text messages. To make matters even more comical, the girls in the deli always crack on Mauren when she comes by for her weekly 1 lb. Deluxe ham order...to the tune of something like "Girl, you need to bring your mace with you when you come in here. That guy is a stalker"...No, not at all awkward,
My favorite most recent example of the 'wrong guy' that Mauren told me about was "Johnny". Johnny works out at the same gym as Mauren (again, a potentially awkward thing as she will run into him potentially several times a week). Mauren is young and tall. Johnny is 22 years older than Mauren and about 1/2 foot shorter than her with REALLY bad teeth. Did I mention that teeth are really important to Mauren...shortness really isn't? Johnny's outfit of choice includes a red sweatband on his head, a sleeveless T-shirt, wrestling shoes, and 80's inspired weightlifting pants. Johnnyasked Mauren to guess his age, which she could not bring herself to do and then Johnny happened to mention that he has more stamina than a 20-year old and that he teaches Latin dancing. Why mention these 2 things? Seriously...is she supposed to do some really quick and cryptic math about how old guys are well...you do the math.
And to answer his question, 'No' she is not giving him her card and, 'No' she doesn't want a flyer for his dance classes....

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