Weighing in...

I thought about how I wanted to title this blog entry and I kept getting stuck on "losing weight". I really despise that term. Every time the scale goes down 1 lb, I don't ever want to find that pound again. Historically and pathetically enough, I always seemed to find those lost pounds...many, many, many times over.
Well, I think that this time has been different. Getting into shape has never really been the issue for me. I could do it very easily, but, I would always find myself creeping back up that dreaded scale again. It was like an "all or nothing" ON/OFF switch that I would flip depending on how desperate I was at the time to either slim down or pig out.
Through this latest adventure (and what a ride it has been), I knew that I had to look at myself from the complete opposite angle...the inside. What makes an "all or nothing" person when it comes to food? The age old question. Each day I think I am getting closer to answering that question, although I know that only God holds the ultimate and complete answer. I have been wracking my brain since I realized I had a weight issue to answer that question and here I am 15 years later without THE answer. Since I am FAR from perfect this side of heaven, I know that will not 'arrive' if you will, until I pull up to the pearly gates.
Five months ago I was absolutely and unequivocally miserable. Climbing ever steadily UP and UP and almost completely away on the scale, losing a little piece of me along the way. I became almost unrecognizable to myself, isolating myself from the people, and feelings, and things I love. That seems like so long ago and so far away now. I pray that I do not forget the person I used to be because I don't want to go back to her. She was sad and angry and self-pitying...my own worst nightmare of me.
Today is a much better day and these are much brighter times. I can shop at Express now, albeit only in their tops, but the pants will come in due time. I enjoy getting dressed up for work, Publix, school, church. I look forward to going out again and seeing my friends. I don't spend all my hours obsessing over food and how bad I look.
I have gotten rid of 35 pounds to date. I weigh myself much less than I used to. I still enjoy every single thing I love to eat. I exercise 5 times a week. I like to look at myself in the mirror again and I am starting to stand up straighter.

Bring on the holidays...